I really want to be able to have organic reactions to experiences and that for other people.

I don’t want a lack of accountability but I want getting things wrong, making mistakes, and causing harm (because like, we all do unintentionally) to be part of existing and learning again.

It feels like those things became unacceptable in the pursuit of being one of the “good” ally/feminist/queers and it’s damaged our community and friendships.

· · Tootle for Mastodon · 6 · 17 · 36

feelings/mental illness/communities 

I really struggle with accessing feelings in the moment. I can easily identify them but either at arms length or later.

This has only worsened over my time in activist/queer communities. Vulnerability has always been difficult for me.

Coupled with OCD/ADD it’s turned into kind of bleaching my emotions and reactions and packaging them neatly with answers all possible reactions from others pre-prepared.


I know this is a me thing but I also know people are afraid to make mistakes, and that is a bad thing.

It doesn’t foster genuine connections.

I think that this concept started as a like, “don’t feel the trolls” or like, don’t waste energy on people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Which I agree.

When that turned into perfectionism in broader leftist communities it became dangerous.

Now I feel like it’s seeped into interpersonal relationships and I don’t know how to remove it? It’s probably therapy but I already do a lot of that lol

@kellymcbabe (1) this may seem totally unrelated but I read a book this summer called Passionate Marriage and another by the same author called Brain Talk and it has seriously blown my world up in this way. I've started to see the way that online leftist culture is a reflection of people who don't want to take accountability for their own anxiety and trauma and have no space for nuance, discourse, and disagreement.

@wetpaper yes! This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. Certain communities that really want to be perfect but perfection is a myth. The idea of a world/communities where we don’t ever hurt is nice but it’s not real. People are messy.

@kellymcbabe yes, exactly! In both those books the author talks about that, it's a little different and more detailed than I'll go into here but basically anyone who claims they don't do stuff that hurts other people is lying and that's the most dangerous thing of all because if you're not truthful about it there's nothing you can do to make it better. Ppl who are constantly seeking reasons other people are "bad" are usually not honest with themselves about this.

@kellymcbabe I also say this with full transparency that that used to be me.

@wetpaper oh 200% I have caused damage by doing this and by betraying myself and my feelings which never actually stops me getting hurt or hurting others.

@kellymcbabe (2) It's been a game changer in that I've felt so much freer from meeting other people's expectations and allowed myself to focus on my values and integrity above other people's approval.

Can I retweet (whatever that's called here) this?

I feel this a lot. It's gotten to the point where I'll often not comment on something or not ask an important question because I'm worried about how I might be saying the wrong thing.

@B_ sure!

It’s so backwards in a community/culture that are learning at the rate we currently are about issues.


It feels like a lack of compassion.
You've gotta appear in a community with full knowledge & understanding of all issues & not appear emotional.
People will often talk about supporting each other while the people around them are too scared to ask a question and instead remain ignorant of really important stuff.

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