The worst part about honouring my MS fatigue and brain fog, and depression fatigue and brain fog, and my OCD’s warped sense of “self-care” that goes overboard on keeping me safe is that resting = being less conditioned and then if I want to do anything I don’t have the stamina.

Like when disabled people are bitter and cunty (like as a personality, just always pissed) anyone ever think it’s just maybe like a product of ableism?

I’ve been having so many feelings and I’m trying to just go with it but I’m tired.

cw: talk of sui 

Also normally at this point of the year (and through the year actually) I would be like, “if all you did was survive this year good job” but my community just lost two humans and it feels kind of heartless or something to say that now?

I don’t know everything feels heavy and complicated and I’m very overwhelmed.

feelings / processing / disability 

It’s very fitting that my body is acting up while I’m realising exactly how much resentment and grief I still have towards it.

It feels really complicated and riddled with grief and loss and heartbreak. I’m not sure how to just sit with those feelings.

It’s ended up a lot more complicated and overwhelming and heavy than I expected it to be.

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feelings / processing 

I forgot that underneath resentment/anger there is often sadness/grief/pain.

I’m very good at avoiding feelings so the idea of pulling them apart and looking at the shit swept under the carpet is terrifying.

Vulnerability feels like weakness, and weakness feels unsafe.

I’m not sure how to process this stuff still.

Perfectionism wants it to be neatly packaged weather it’s in front of me or tucked away but feelings are always messy.

Affirmation from an unsupervised (but probably safe) bot 

Such a valid birb.

Affirmation from an unsupervised (but probably safe) bot 

Such a valid yak.

Oh, you've read theory? I've read 10000 instagram infographics

drugs / mushrooms 

My dad bought my bro’s gf a book on “psilocybin mushrooms” thinking it was a book about regular mushrooms despite the back saying “MAGIC MUSHROOMS” in large letters and then he flicked through it and was like “oh no” his wife said he shouldn’t give it to her but he did. Then I got home and my housemate was on shrooms.

Also my brothers friend asked my brothers gf’s mum if the sun she was sitting in was “spicy” and she was so confused.

We also suggested that figs were landlords because they suck the life out of the wasps and my dad said they were more like squatters and then we said we like squatters more than landlords and that convo stoped quickly. Hahahaha.

bullying / Twitter. 

I saw a tweet from someone who was bagging out a “lived experience” councillor and their one of their examples was “I have a lot of experience flying on planes a lot but I’m gonna let my pilot continue to fly it”. Like... yeah so you can probably talk a lot about what it’s like to be on a plane to someone who’s never flown... that’s what your lived experience is not flying a plane you fucking muppet. People are the worst.

figs / vegans 

@kellymcbabe but also most shop figs are tricked by spraying hormones on them so minus wasps so shut up vegans

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Xmas mention 

One of the Xmas table convos was about how figs are heteronormative because they can only be pollinated by wasps dying in them and not by wind or bee’s like other fruits (because they grow the flower inside the fruit).

My brain just went into full meltdown trying to work out if my grandma was my cousins kids great grandma.

How many swears and how many hours did it take you to drag your listless ass from bed because I had a zoom psych at 1pm and it’s now 7pm and the first time I’m outside of my room in case you wanted to do some kind of grim true crime recount of how I spent my day.

Why do we say ACAB?

"...we don’t say all cops are bad, we say All Cops Are Bastards. We don’t mean bastard as an unpleasant or despicable person. Bastard is taken from the word bastardize meaning corrupt or debase.

[Cops] are corrupted, [firstly,] by the possessions of power. They can use their authority to inflict power on people.

[And secondly,] the very laws that they are trying to enforce are corrupt and they are used to subdue different identities and minorities."

alirezahayati.com/2020/12/21/a by @arh

In my 34 years of being alive I’ve learned that laying down, staring at the wall, and hoping it will make my problems go away doesn’t work but it still /feels/ like it might work.

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