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TL,DR: fuck business cards no don’t follow me on instagram or donate to my patreon let’s blow up an oil pipeline and live in gay communes gahddamit

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like no offense to anyone but I’d still be creating if I had no one but myself to see it. I’ve done it before and I probably won’t ever stop doing it. but that’s not exactly a recipe for a career in the arts is it lol. but anyway rant over time to get bitten to hell by these mosquitoes and try to my very best to go to sleep with this cricket hollering in my ear all mf night

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I had a great opportunity to talk with a bunch of other self-identifying artists who belong to co-ops and it made me feel good to realize I’m not the only one who shares this feeling. we identified a lot of causes but not really many solutions on an individual level at least. but maybe that’s the big idea anyway, that were all pretty much forced to market ourselves and dazzle total strangers for breadcrumbs. feels humiliating to me tbh

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apart from like not regularly making what I’d consider art, I just don’t even really consider myself an artist anymore. not like this. it’s beyond like being a quality issue either. I’m not satisfied with a lot of things when it comes to my craftsmanship but I’m actually not sweating that as much as the other things, the business/social things. refining my vision and executing it feels very natural a lot of the time and the most rewarding. but actually starting and committing? sheesh.

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success has always been a tricky word to me because it’s so hard for me to quantify. what’s my threshold? how much is enough and when will I be satisfied? 100k followers? a mill in savings? a magazine spread? Ted talk? art basel? am I gonna be considered a failure if I don’t get all that bullshit? I literally just want to have fun making things again that’s as deep as it has ever been for me and somehow it’s been drained of even that basic sort of fulfillment. shit just seems so damn serious

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that’s probably the main reason why I haven’t been successful outside of a lack of consistency. It simply doesn’t seem interesting or challenging enough to me to want to succeed under these circumstances. like why. why would I want to compete with anyone for space and attention? why do I need a brand to “stand out” professionally or artistically? who am I really doing this for, myself? my “fans”? my landlord? the dead white guys on the dollar? it just seems so gross to me. idk lol

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I done gotdam rebranded or whatever like 50 leven times lol and I wonder if people think it’s because I’m just some kind of chronically aloof person with no sense of identity or whatever which might be sorta accurate but then again really just don’t vibe with being locked into some kind of permanent state of existence or aesthetic because that seems way less genuine and exciting to me? why would I choose one or two lanes when I could have infinite? I’m not rockin with that, sorry lol

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idk about y’all… but having the option to share or consume things with some measure of privacy is the only thing that keeps me wanting to write or create at all. I really do not give a shit about the attention but it seems like branding or whatever is just an inescapable barrier you gotta deal with if you want to make art a sustainable practice for yourself and I’m just really not with that shit lol

anybody got like $10 to spare my check deposits today (allegedly) but I’m worried it’ll deposit at midnight again after everything is closed and I’m totally out of food. I just want a cup of noodles and some beans or something

my ebt hasn’t reloaded and I’m still behind on rent/bills. my account is in the negatives already so that’s probably gonna eat up a big chunk of my check already.

forgot about the fistfuls of cereal and a cup of noodles. health is wealth

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flirting to express romantic interest: broke
flirting to chase a bag: bespoke

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I need to hurry up and learn how to flirt so I can start making these tips

Take care of yourself so you can keep being awesome.

music - cheshyre - calliope {slowed + reverb} | [clown/electronic] 

:emo: 🤡 ⚛️

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music - cheshyre - calliope {slowed + reverb} | [clown/electronic] 

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